In the months since my family and I started social distancing, I have noticed a shift in my marriage. Usually my husband and I love spending time together. We look forward to seeing one another at the end of the day. We have shared dreams for our future. I often feel that what we have is magic.
Almost overnight we needed to work harder to apply our effective listening and communication skills. Although we were able to overcome our differences, many couples continue to struggle. In both the U.S. and China, the divorce rate is expected to significantly increase once COVID-19-related restrictions are lifted. Why are couples having trouble finding common ground?
This global pandemic is triggering the frightened child in all of us. We feel out of control, disconnected, devastated, and many other things that put an emotional, psychological, and social strain on our relationships. Some of us cope by shutting down; others become indifferent, clingy, or lash out. A lucky few of us might be completely calm. One way to understand how this pandemic-induced anxiety impacts relationships is attachment theory.
John Bowlby, the father of modern attachment theory, pioneered the idea that our attachment histories predict how we relate and connect to others. The science of attachment theory is that our caregivers help us organize our emotions as infants until we develop the ability to do this for ourselves. This can be an asset or a detriment, depending on the mental health and emotional availability of the parent. Our attachment histories follow us. Even as adults, especially in times of loss or high stress, our attachment styles are activated. A recent study of the psychological impact of COVID-19 on the Italian general population supports this idea.
There are four kinds of attachment styles.
Secure attachment. The caregiver responds to the infant in a timely and consistent manner, letting the infant know that he or she is there to meet the infant’s needs, sooth the infant, and keep the infant safe. This secure attachment enables the growing child to perceive and react to others in a healthy manner. As an adult this individual is able to regulate his or her emotions and behave in healthy ways.
Avoidance attachment. The caregiver rejects the infant’s need for closeness and soothing. The infant learns that the he or she can only rely on him or herself to feel safe. As an adult, this individual has difficulty understanding what he or she needs and disconnects from others.
Ambivalent attachment. The caregiver is inconsistent in responding to the infant, showing warmth and love sometimes, while being dismissive and cold at other times. The infant develops an anxious attachment style and becomes clingy to loved ones as an adult.
Disorganized attachment. The caregiver is angry and abusive. The infant learns that his or her environment is unpredictable, and will not be able to develop healthy coping and/or adapting strategies.
This background on attachment theory should help you understand that how you and your partner are responding to one another during the pandemic is not necessarily indicative of how you feel about each other, but rather a childhood defense mechanism that is being activated under stress, anxiety, and fear. When you feel a threat coming, however small, your brain gets hijacked, and in an attempt to find comfort and safety you unconsciously react with an emotion that may then trigger your significant other’s attachment history. People with avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized attachment styles might withdraw, become clingy, or fight. Those who have secure attachment styles will cope better.
Achieving strong attachment with your partner is key to survival.
In therapy, you and your partner can identify your attachment styles and work to understand how your defense mechanisms activate to protect you. But not everyone is ready to or can afford to enter treatment. Here are some tips to improve your communication that you can try at home.
Read (and have your partner read) Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Dr. Johnson believes that adult attachment is reciprocal—we all hold cognitive representations of our early caregivers in our minds. One thing she advises is to create a bonding moment to help couples become emotionally accessible and connected to one another. Achieving strong attachment with your partner is key to survival.
Exchange attachment histories with your partner. Being open about your background will help each of you understand the defense mechanisms at play for one another during this anxiety-provoking time. Discuss how you can support the other’s need for connection. And next time your partner upsets you, before reacting ask yourself what else could be triggering your feelings.
Carve out personal time and together time—and be clear about it. Make sure to communicate your needs to your partner. Our attachment histories often dictate our needs in times of stress, and without communication there is too much room for hurt and misunderstanding.
Don’t forget to laugh. Humor and playfulness are essential coping mechanisms. Find ways to have fun and joke around with your partner.
Seek out positive interactions repeatedly. Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains are adaptable. The more positive interactions we have, the further we will solidify the positive pathways in our brains. At the same time, the negative pathways will be weakened, and we will feel happier and understand each other better as a result.
Practice compassion. How your partner is responding to you during this stressful time is not reflective of what they are really feeling or how much they love you. Everyone craves connection even if they don’t show it.
Suzanne Gavin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Parent Coordinator http://suzannegavin.com/